would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
