It's Friday. Sex?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
