They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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