I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize