I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
