I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
