I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just want to make out with him forever
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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