I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
