you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize