I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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