i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
my liver is dry heaving
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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