Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize