i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
