My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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