Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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