It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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