woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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