You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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