Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
