omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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