I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
