I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
