maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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