The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
