The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
