Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
