so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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