I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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