I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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