U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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