Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
