Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woke up backwards on a recliner
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
