The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
