You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize