...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
