i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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