Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
