Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's blow job season.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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