I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
