im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
