good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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