I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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