I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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