If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
