my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
