Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
