homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
