piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He passed out mid-signature
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
