Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
