my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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