I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
