Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize