Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
