I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
