Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am available for nakedness
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
