Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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