I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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