just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
