Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
