Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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