Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
