i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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