u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
