I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
